Today is the 31st of August. Which means, it’s three month ago that I had my last day of work.
I still get asked the same questions. The same questions people asked me about three month ago.
How do you feel? And how does it feel to be “free”?
Am I really? Am I really free? And if, why? And how?
Does it really free me, not having a job?
And what really makes someone “free”?
What do other people expect me to say?
What do others think “being free” means?
If “being free” means trying to establish a daily routine which isn’t ruled by a 9-5 job, then yes, I am.If “being free” means sorting out finance stuff, then yes, I am.
If “being free” means trying to sort out things with the council, then yes, I am.
If “being free” means dealing with the tax office, then yes, I am.
If “being free” means life can be chaotic, then yes, I am.
If “being free” means struggling, then yes, I am.
If “being free” means being excited about making plans, then yes, I am.
If “being free” means organising your (every day) life by yourself, then yes, I am.
If “being free” means feeling lost, then yes, I am.
If “being free” feels like a rollercoaster, then yes, I am.
If “being free” means being allowed to doubt, then yes, I am.
To be honest, I’m not sure I feel free. Because I don’t know what I am supposed to feel, what others expect me to feel. What other people expect “being free” feels. Is there a definition of it?
Others often see the outside. See the external. Which might appears to be the complete opposite.
Most of the time I feel disorientated. My life feels chaotic. It is falling into pieces. I am breaking it into pieces.
Often enough, I am sitting back home wondering if I am doing the right thing. It is still scary and scares the living shit out of me.
But don’t get me wrong. It may me frightening and chaotic, challenging and frustrating. On the other hand, it is also rewarding, exciting and satisfying.
Yes, I struggle. And yes, it is normal. Yes, it is part of the whole process.
And yes, I am grateful for my struggles, because they teach me a lot. A lot a about me. My views, my goals, my aims, my struggles, my believes.
My struggles let me recreate myself.
I stumble, I fall, I get back up. Stronger, wiser, more me than before.
I do share this not to make you stop living and chasing you dreams. I share this to make you go and dare to live your dreams – even if you stumble and fall. Because you can trust yourself. You will get back up. I am certain of it and I assure you.
And even struggling with that is a reward. Every struggle is another, yet missing piece, of your own growth.