The first day of the rest of my life…

It’s the first of June 2019. Saturday. Not a special day, right? Start of summer maybe. But apart from that …

Well, for me, this day is a special day. I quit my job and May 31st was the last day of work (in my former job). Which means, 1st June 2019 marks the first day of official unemployment.

Wow !

And to be honest, I am not quite sure how that feels. How I am supposed to feel about it ? Am I supposed to feel anything ? Everyone asked me though. “How do you feel?” “What are you going to do?” “Why did you quit?” “How does it feel to be free now”, all sorts.

Actually … the only thing I feel today is exhaustion. Exhausted from the last few weeks. From making the decision of quitting. Of handing in the notice to my flat. Of the over-thinking and the worrying. Of leaving my comfort zone. Of leaving “security”.

Am I allowed to feel exhausted ? Not sure about that though.

Isn’t it expected that I’ll feel free ? Free of work, free of stress, free of everything. So it is said. Yeah I might be free – if we exclude all the bureaucracy …

It is all true, I am. But (!) it needs time to sink in.

Quitting and leaving a “safe” job isn’t a decision which is made in a second. It is a process. And this process took me – probably, more or less – 1 ½ years.

So if that took so long to actually make the decision and go through it how can it be so quick to feel the freedom immediately ? Correct, it can not.

Maybe I’m also sad … Of course happy and glad an grateful, but also sad, confused, lost. I’m taking my life apart. It is my decision, my choice but … for f*** sake, it is tough.

I’m feeling exhausted and tired, sad and broken. I feel happy and energised, excited and grateful.

I wanna feel all of it ! The whole bunch. I wanna laugh and cry. Hide and jump around. No matter what the world around me wants me to feel. Not being judged.

To be continued …

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