It’s the first of June 2019. Saturday. Not a special day, right? Start of summer maybe. But apart from that …
Well, for me, this day is a special day. I quit my job and May 31st was the last day of work (in my former job). Which means, 1st June 2019 marks the first day of official unemployment.
And to be honest, I am not quite sure how that feels. How I am supposed to feel about it ? Am I supposed to feel anything ? Everyone asked me though. “How do you feel?” “What are you going to do?” “Why did you quit?” “How does it feel to be free now”, all sorts.
Actually … the only thing I feel today is exhaustion. Exhausted from the last few weeks. From making the decision of quitting. Of handing in the notice to my flat. Of the over-thinking and the worrying. Of leaving my comfort zone. Of leaving “security”.
Am I allowed to feel exhausted ? Not sure about that though.
Isn’t it expected that I’ll feel free ? Free of work, free of stress, free of everything. So it is said. Yeah I might be free – if we exclude all the bureaucracy …
It is all true, I am. But (!) it needs time to sink in.
Quitting and leaving a “safe” job isn’t a decision which is made in a second. It is a process. And this process took me – probably, more or less – 1 ½ years.
So if that took so long to actually make the decision and go through it how can it be so quick to feel the freedom immediately ? Correct, it can not.
Maybe I’m also sad … Of course happy and glad an grateful, but also sad, confused, lost. I’m taking my life apart. It is my decision, my choice but … for f*** sake, it is tough.
I’m feeling exhausted and tired, sad and broken. I feel happy and energised, excited and grateful.
I wanna feel all of it ! The whole bunch. I wanna laugh and cry. Hide and jump around. No matter what the world around me wants me to feel. Not being judged.
To be continued …