Let it be

How does it feel to hand in your notice ?
How does it feel to end the contract for the apartment you call home ?
How does it feel to cancel all currently going contracts ?
How does it feel to decide if cutting all the ties is the right decision ?

Today is Thursday. 25th April 2019. Today I handed in the notice for my apartment. The place I call home. My safe place. My security shell. My protection area. My “me-space”.

I handed in my notice for work a couple month ago and signing the agreement with my employer of me leaving just happened during a break of a meeting. It was no big deal, to be honest. But the thought of me leaving was stuck in my head for more than a year. I guess, I had lots of time to think about it.

But today, today was different though. I tried to make it work to keep my little happy place. My home.

Which didn’t work out. Unfortunately. Sadly.

I was sitting in the waiting room to be called in to the lady who’s responsible for the area I’m living in. I am nervous. I can feel my tummy trembling; it being unsettled. My hands sweaty and my heartbeat fast. It almost feels like I am about to write an exam again or going on a big trip being totally (!) unprepared. I’m genuinely nervous.

“Am I really sure, I wanna do this?” is the constant question which takes endless loops in my head. “What happens if …” “How will it feels like …” “How will I feel when …” … The list of the other questions on my brain roller coasters is endless as well.

I’m nervous when I get called in. Being called in and … I do it. I do hand in my notice. It’s easy. Just handing over a paper. Done. Far to quick … Hold on. Wait ?! Did I just do this ?

Back outside it almost feels like summer. Not quite 10 o’clock yet, more than 20 degrees, bright sunshine and I … I can’t believe I did this.

It hasn’t sunk in yet.

What happens when and what if and whether I should and should not. Are there consequences? Will there be any ? Will there be more work, bureaucracy wise ?

My heads spinning.

Of course I have thought that through all before. Made a plan for my worst case scenario. Knitted a safety net. But still .. Did I really do this ?

Letting my little flat go breaks my heart – somehow.

Shouldn’t I be happy ? And not being sit on my sofa, crying.

Tears are running. Sad tears, mixed with happy tears, mixed with proud tears, mixed with fearful tears as well as utterly hopeful tears.

Yes, I am chasing my dreams. I do want to make a change for myself. But, it is also okay to be sad. It’s okay to struggle with decisions.

This, was the hardest decision of them all.

Giving up my safe place is a proper commitment to my dreams. To my dream to move abroad for a while. To try and set up my own business. To work independent. To be a nomad for a while.

The tears from this morning dried out. The questions enjoying their rides – still . Let it be.

I chose this way for now. And yes, it is a struggle. But my dreams are bigger. More powerful than my little flat. Even though writing this brings the tears back, I won’t take it back. I have to try the other path. Curiosity, where are you leading me ?

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